When Certainty Is Just Control
October 30, 2026
I was certain my relationship was supposed to be forever. I was wrong.
The only time feeling certain has ever come true for me is when I didn't have an emotional attachment to how something turned out.
I've been certain that a man was the one more times than I can count, and I was wrong every single time.
With my ex-fiancé, there was a part of me that was completely convinced that he was the man I was going to marry. There was so much good in our relationship. We had four beautiful years together, and I still carry so much love and respect He will always be someone very special to me.
But I kept ignoring the things that weren't working.
Prefer to listen? Hear me talk through this transmission on Episode 23 of the podcast.
I had a desperate desire to get married and it meant more to me than listening to what was actually happening.
So in good faith, I sold all of my belongings and moved to Mexico with him.
I was certain this move was going to set our relationship on fire, that we were going to expand together, and that we would be together forever.
I was right.
We set it on fire and it burnt down.
Looking back, I can see every single gift from those four years, and I can also see every single moment I bypassed myself, because I was clutching onto the outcome that I desired instead of what was in front of me.
When Certainty Is Actually Need
If you say, "I'm so certain about him," but that certainty is wrapped up in feelings of sadness, fear, excitement, panic, or what-ifs, that isn't clarity. Those are unmet needs crying out to be tended to.
You see, we crave certainty because we think it will make us feel safe. But control actually makes us neurotic. We become obsessed and hyper-focused on all the signs, orchestrating every detail just to guarantee an outcome.
Then, when it all falls apart, we're left shattered, wondering how we could have been so sure and it not work out.
That's because you were never certain about him.
You were trying to control life so you wouldn't have to feel your own pain.
The Opposite of Control Isn't Giving Up
The ancient yoga texts speak of Aparigraha, the practice of non-grasping or letting things be as they are. In real life, non-grasping is one of the hardest things a human being can practice.
When I feel truly unattached, there is a calm and curious feeling in my body.
About a year ago, I felt this calm, curious nudge to apply for a business program here on the Sunshine Coast. It was completely outside of what I would normally do, but the inner instruction was undeniable: You need to apply for this.
There was resistance at first, almost because I had a sense I would get in, but I genuinely didn't care whether I was accepted or not. I had zero emotional attachment to the result.
That program ended up shifting the entire trajectory of my life and work.
I have found that unattachment often comes with a slight doubt. Not an anxious second-guessing, but a humility that says, "I don't really understand where this is leading yet, but this is the next step in front of me, and I'm curious to see what unfolds."
Prayer: A Two-Way Conversation
You only find out if something is right for you by taking the next available step.
This is the practice of prayer that I share with the women who I work with in Rooted and Sanctuary. A non-religious cultivation of an ongoing conversation with a benevolent, omniscient intelligence that is here to guide your life.
Prayer isn't handing over a wish list of demands and hoping they get answered. It's sharing what's happening in your life, asking for guidance, and then becoming quiet enough to listen.
The answers don't always come as a lightning bolt. Often, they are simple, concrete next steps. Sometimes they are big steps, like applying for a program, but most often they're very small and sweet.
I remember having a difficult day a while back, and I sat in prayer and asked for help. The first instruction I heard was, "Go put on your favorite hoodie." It sounds almost silly, but slipping into that hoodie brought me immediate warmth and comfort.
Then the next instruction was, "Now go for a walk and listen to Gregory Alan Isakov."
So I did. By the time I walked back into my place, the heavy emotional storm had cleared.
This is how life works when you stop trying to control it. You ask the continuous questions: "What do I need to do now? And now? And now?"
You don't get the whole path. You just get the next step.
How to Ground Into What's Real
If you want to move from control into genuine discernment, there are three places for you to anchor.
1. Root down into your nervous system
You cannot hear guidance if your body is constantly running in survival. Notice if you are in fight, flight, freeze, or fawning. Is your stomach tight? Is your breath caught in your throat? Can you pause before reacting? Can you let yourself feel the sensations moving through you? Self-awareness is becoming the loving witness to your experience.
2. Examine your past projections
We constantly view the present through the lens of what we didn't get in childhood. My ex-fiancé was genuinely curious about my mind and loved how I thought. I had never experienced that kind of curiosity from a man before. Because that need was so raw and unmet from my childhood, I made an unconscious leap: If a man cherishes my mind, he must be the one. He was the right man for that chapter and for those lessons, but he was not meant to be my forever.
3. Open a direct dialogue with the Divine
Speak what you are feeling honestly, and then wait. Gather your own evidence of what happens when you follow guidance rather than your old survival strategies. Practice. This is a relationship that you practice.
When you become rooted into your own discernment, you can descend deeply into your own self-worth, understand your past without letting it drive your present, and let yourself be held by something far greater than yourself.
Stepping Into Sanctuary
When you're ready for this, you're invited to join me in Sanctuary.
This is for the woman ready to tend to her own heart and learn how to love the imperfect mortal man without losing herself in him.
If you are tired of clutching onto outcomes, over-functioning in love, and carrying the quiet exhaustion of trying to control what cannot be forced, Sanctuary is where we practice another way together.